Have a Facial

“As soon as I was comfortably settled into my "bed", Miss Heard slapped on a cold substance and rubbed it all over my face. I couldn't tell what it was, and when asked, Miss Heard ominously replied that "it is only the beginning". She lathered up my face with the stuff, and proceeded to give me one of the best face massages (the only one I ever had actually) in my life. [...] If you've ever been bitten by ants, you'll probably understand the feeling of a MILLION ANTS biting into your face simultaneously. [...] I have only cried twice in my life; once when Woody said goodbye to Andy in the ending of Toy Story 3, and another when Miss Heard was digging a needle to widen my pores and then using an iron stick to scrap out the blackheads from my whole face. I was trying to maintain an image of masculinity throughout this facial session, but the tears just kept flowing and flowing.”

“The relaxation didn’t last long, because as soon as I got comfy, that bitch started to touch my face! I know that’s her job, and I know that’s what I paid her to do, but I immediately hated it. My whole body went stiff and I am pretty sure I held my breath for the first ten minutes straight. I was not having fun. She started massaging nice-smelling products onto my skin—there was a fruity one, a pepperminty one, and another fruity one—and I tried to focus on the yummy smells instead of fingers rubbing my cheeks. [...] I was actually excited for the extractions I’d heard about. [...] There were a few that felt good—she squeezed them and I felt relief, like yay, the germs are gone! But some of the extractions were more painful.”

“I was pleasantly surprised during my facial treatment. Despite being prone to pimples and redness, my skin did not react negatively to the products used. The treatment effectively removed all the oil buildup on my skin and tightened my pores. The esthetician even performed some extractions to get rid of a few blackheads. The treatment was concluded with the application of a moisturizer and SPF lip balm. As I was leaving the work station, numerous people, including members, publicists, and editors, complimented me on my evenly-toned and radiant skin. It was as if I was wearing makeup, and everyone was curious about the products I was using on my face.”